We hold very, very tightly to what we want, afraid that if we let go it will slip away. But the clenching and forcing we do around it serve to make us more contracted, aggressive and myopic. The forcing and pushing and relentlessness is almost a violence.

It is not a sad or a bad thing that brought us all together, but a longing, a longing for a big, full life that includes the family that you envision.

When you “soften” around your desire, not let it go, but soften and loosen your grip, you can open to the mystery of its unfolding.

How do I do this?

Let your personal growth become part of your intention to have your family. Let your intention include that you:

_Grow and learn on purpose from this circumstance
_Awaken to the rest of your life, to what you hold dear, to what gives you joy, to what is true and meaningful
_Reconnect to yourself intimately, explore your inner landscapes with tender regard

More specifically:

_Quiet contemplation on your intention or meditation, every day, if only for a few moments
_Breathe deeply, frequently
_Be mindful of what you’re giving your energy to (what you think, say and do)
_Be kind to yourself (non-judgmental, non-violent)
_Nourish your spirit by doing things that give you joy

Be inspired…

For Longing, by John O’Donohue

Blessed be the longing that brought you here
And quickens your soul with wonder.

May you have the courage to listen to the voice of desire
That disturbs you when you have settled for something safe.

May you have the wisdom to enter generously into your own unease
To discover the new direction your longing wants you to take.

May the forms of your belonging – in love, creativity and friendship
be equal to the grandeur and the call of your soul.

May the one you long for long for you.

May your dreams gradually reveal the destination of your desire.
May a secret Providence guide your thought and nurture your feeling.
May your mind inhabit your life with the sureness with which your body inhabits the world.
May your heart never be haunted by ghost-structures of old damage.
May you come to accept your longing as divine urgency.
May you know the urgency with which God longs for you.

First, imagine how you want them to be. How do you want to move through your days? With joy, some peacefulness, a skip in your step, or invisibly moving through work and stores, skipping the parties you don’t really want to attend anyway…

If you know it’s going to be intense and busy, for whatever reasons, you may as well say yes to it. We can’t control outside factors in many cases. But we can choose how we want to be, how we want to live, in spite of what comes our way. This is as true for the holidays as it is any other time.

Have your sweetheart imagine it too. If you’re single, it’s a little easier, you can skip the negotiating. After you’ve both imagined the best possible holidays you possibly can, sit down together with your calendars for November and December. There are invariably the Must Do’s. Put them in the calendar. There are the events that you really want to do individually or even feel obligated to do. Work or family events can feel that way. How important is it, why is it important to you, will your holiday not be complete without it? Negotiate. Is there wiggle room? Can you do this and that? or must you choose one or the other? Come to terms with those events. Put them in your calendar. Now, what do you have left? Options. The option to say yes or no to other events and invitations. Your have set your priorities. The rest is optional.

Next, plan your quiet or alone-together nights or days, just as you would the parties. Really, really, really try to keep these special times that you plan together. This quality time can make all the difference, to your holidays and to your relationship.

You are more likely to create the holidays that you want if you imagine them, plan them, and take specific action to make it happen.

As with any good plan, there needs to be room for flexibility and of course, the unexpected. We can always count on that.

I wish you peacefulness, this holiday season, and always!

This topic comes up frequently. We’ll talk about it at the June 9, Fertility Road Workshop.

“We can’t plan our vacation because we don’t know when our next cycle is going to start.”
“I’d like to accept a new position, but if I get pregnant on this cycle, then I’m asking for leave already?”
“Summer is here and we can’t even get to the beach with my cycle schedule.”
“I don’t know if I should take a break or go right into another cycle.”

It seems like any detour that we’d like to take at all, from Fertility Road, is a major crossroads, a major ‘either/or’ decision. The lense through which we’re viewing the world has narrowed, focused on just this aspect of life, rather than the arial view of life. The decision-making process seems to narrow as well. We have to do either this or that. Perhaps I should add “of course our view has narrowed”. There’s so much to learn when you first get started, all the informative websites and books and message boards and what foods to give up and what to add whether to exercise or not or cut back or do more, and yoga and acupuncture and supplements and doctor consultations and whether to go the family events or baby showers and on and on… Whew!

Taking the time to pull up and see the landscape through a wider lense gives the eyes and the heart a well-deserved reprieve. Better decisions are made with the Big Picture in mind. Imagining the impact of a decision is a very worthwhile process. If I take a month or two off, will I enjoy myself and the time? What will we do? What would we like to do? Or will I obsess and be anxious that I’m not doing something to get pregnant?

The other thing to consider, is that it’s not always an either/or decision. Sometimes it’s ‘and’, as in  “Yes, we’re doing a cycle this month and we’re getting away to the beach.” Or “yes, I can take two months off, improve my nutrition, take a cooking class, start my supplements, and get healthier before doing another cycle.”

Janie (not her real name, but the story is true) and her husband had been trying to conceive for over a year. Diagnosed with unexplained infertility, they tried Clomid and natural, and Clomid and IUI. All attempts were unsuccessful. They decided to try acupuncture for a few months and if that didn’t work, then they would go to IVF. While coming in for weekly acupuncture, Janie’s father turned 75 and brought his family, including Janie and her sweetheart, down to Mexico to celebrate with him. They had a great time, really enjoyed themselves, stayed up late, danced, partied, feasted… and came home pregnant. This perscription doesn’t work for everyone. The point is that they took the time to step back, see where they were and made a plan. The plan, including the IVF contingency plan, gave them the time and flexibility to get back to life, rather than living in “wait” mode.

Taking the time to reflect on the impact of a decision offers the bird’s eye view and where this decision fits into the big picture. When it’s difficult to conceive in the first place, you can’t hurry up and get pregnant. If a doctor tells you that you don’t have time to wait, find another doctor. You don’t need more pressure. We all need to slow down a bit, take a step back, make a plan, inquire a little deeper.

How does this affect:
- me, my emotional health, my stress levels
- my spouse, my marriage
- my summer
- our finances

With reflection, you may find that you’ve got more choices than when you forge ahead. If we do this now, then we can take the trip after. If we take two months now, we can relax, enjoy the summer, save some dollars for the next cycle…

We’ll set the stage for this kind of reflection at the Fertility Road Workshop on Thursday, June 9 and discuss thoughts, ideas, and experience as well as any other topics or issues that happen to come up.

It’s hard to blame others for not understanding. Especially when we don’t quite understand either. It’s all part of “The Process” or “The Journey”, an overused but accurate label for describing a life changing diagnosis. We try to understand what’s happening in our bodies, what isn’t working right and what to do about it, while wrestling with how we feel about it. It’s confusing and complicated. One of the ways, in which women in particular, make sense or try to understand is to talk about it. Thank God for girlfriends, right? Usually that’s the case. But sometimes not. Or our Moms. But again, sometimes not. There’s no question that they love you. But can they sit with you?

This reminds me of Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s poem, The Invitation, where she says “I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.” In this community of like-minded individuals, we sit together. We make room or space for exploring and discovering this unfamiliar interior landscape. There’s much to explore because we haven’t been here before. In the past, we simply set our minds to accomplishing what we want and we did it. Infertility is new territory. It’s not a matter of working harder or more hours. You can’t just pay to have it fixed. We can see our destination, exactly where we want to be, but there’s no map. Others have been down this road, but their map doesn’t work in our territory.

The truth is, is that this process is going to take you places you didn’t want to go and demand things of you that you never imagined. And you can’t do it alone. Just as in Homer’s Odyssey, there are challenges and obstacles along the way for which you need help. You will meet people who are helpful and and others, not so much. You need all of your resources and will discover strengths and assets that you didn’t know you had. You will also make friends and find guides along the way that you wouldn’t have met under other circumstances.

This is not to romanticize the fertility journey. There’s NOTHING romantic about it. But this is where you are. Now, what what will you do? HOW you choose to do things is sometimes more important than achieving the ultimate goal. That’s why you have to create your own map. You have to do the right thing for you. It’s like the infertility diet. There isn’t one. There is figuring out what nourishes and energizes your body and feeds your spirit and also what makes you ill. You explore and experiment. You meet with Kindred Spirits.

The monthly gatherings at Heal from Within, Fertility Road, is a circle of belonging. It is not a support group, though it is very supportive. It is not a stress reduction workshop, though those who come feel much more grounded and peaceful when they leave. We sit together, sometimes quietly. We talk. We share our stories. We begin to heal our selves by listening and sharing with others. Healing happens in community, not in isolation. We make space for whoever shows up. We’ll walk your jagged landscapes with you. And we will sit with you.

The emotional impact ranges from, early in the process of “I never thought I’d be here” to months or years into it, devastation, perhaps weariness. It’s not just an emotional weariness. It’s deeper. It creates distance between you and yourself, your spouse, your friends and co-workers, your family. The further we get from what makes us happy, what makes us tick, the more disconnected we become, from our essence, our spirit (that which inspires!).

This has come up time and again with patients and workshop participants. What’s happened to me? Where have I gone? What gives me joy? What nourishes my soul? The spouse asks, where is my wife? I want her back. You’ve changed, of course. How could you not? The fabric of your life has been torn.

This inner separation does not make it easier to conceive.

When we talk of holistic health care, it includes the environment in which you live and work, your physical health, emotional, mental and spiritual health. The spirit is the spark that lights your life. No spark, no fire! When you put your life on-hold, waiting to conceive, you close off the fuel from the fire. It’s important to stay connected, at many levels, but particularly with yourself. What is going on inside of me? What am I feeling? What meaning does this have in my life? When you search within, it’s sacred work and deserves honor and space.

Heal from Within is a sacred space, just for this work. Join our community. See our Workshops and come!

I have the women in my group keep a food journal for the first four weeks of the 10-session workshop. You need to know where you are before you can figure out where you need to go, what changes if any, to make, what you need less of in your diet and what you may need more of. Patterns are also revealed when with food journaling: late night eating, snacking more than you thought, and where are my vegetables? I know I must have eaten some yesterday…

Marva Makle, our guest speaker (http://marva-makle.healthcoach.integrativenutrition.com/) and holistic health counselor, advised, as I do, to get as much of your nutrition as possible from real, whole foods: fresh, organic when possible, fruits, vegetable and whole grains. But like I said before, people develop emotional and real, physiological addictions to food. Sugar is addictive. Caffeine is addictive. MSG and “natural flavors” have addictive elements which make it very difficult to make more healthy choices. Food journaling brings habits to the surface so that we can begin to make conscious choices, rather than habitual, mindless feeding frenzies, pardon the exaggeration if that’s the case.

After analyzing the two week food journal, you can take small steps to improve your nourishment. Crowding out is a technique that Marva introduced to the group. When you prioritize and eat the healthy whole foods first, you don’t have room and begin to have less desire for the sugar/salt/processed habits of the past. Our bodies know what to do with and how to process and utilize plant based molecules. Doritos, not so much. Now that you’ve determined what you are able to do, you may decide that you simply will not or cannot get enough of some nutrients. That is why I researched and published the information about Coenzyme-Q10 on the Heal from Within facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/pages/Heal-from-Within/186617358038703).

Coenzyme Q10 is available from three basic types of foods: (1) fish; (2) organ meats, including liver, kidney and heart; and (3) the germs of whole grains. The most concentrated sources of Co-Q10 – like heart or kidney – contain about 2-3 milligrams of coenzyme Q per ounce of heart or kidney. The germs of grains, while containing less coenzyme Q per ounce, also contain vitamin E in amounts of 5-10 IU per ounce, and this vitamin E works together with coenzyme Qc in the body. Co-Q10 is difficult to acquire for vegetarians.
Co-Q10 nourishes cellular mitochondria. Have you been told that your eggs are “old”? Oocytes are cells that mature into eggs. Recent studies confirm the benefits of Co-Q10 for a number of cardiac conditions, migraine prevention, protection against neurological damage from stroke, boosts the immune system…

Since 1957, nearly 5,000 research studies on Coenzyme-Q10 have been published documenting the therapeutic power of CoQ10 to thwart degenerative disease by boosting mitochondrial health and bioenergetic capacity (http://www.oilofpisces.com/coenzyme_Q10news.htm) . It may be a long time before studies are financed that examine the benefits of Co-Q10 to oocytes. Why wait?

For more information on the Mind/Body Fertility Workshops, go to: http://www.Heal-from-Within.com/workshops.

FERTILE MIND   FERTILE BODY
8 Week Workshop
APR 4 – MAY 23
Online Registration_Form

FERTILITY ROAD
2nd Thursday of EVERY month
6:30 – 9:00 PM
APR 12
MAY 10
JUNE 14
JULY 12
No registration required

All workshops held at:
Heal From Within
4545 42nd St NW
Suite 301
Washington, DC 20012